“My life didn’t please me, so I created my life.” -Coco Chanel
Psychologists have warned against the labeling of adolescents. However, this school of thought, didn’t prevent one from calling me a tyrant. My face was stoic. I sat with my legs crossed and arms draped at my side; unblinking, my vision going in and out of focus. I was sixteen and I would not allow him the satisfaction of a reaction. I can still see him. After all these years I hope I made him squirm.
That would be my first and last encounter with said professional. The car ride home was absorbed in continued silence. Aside from the Water Baby I received for an early 90’s Christmas gift, The Sims game created the most memories. The Sims fed my incessant need for control. At thirteen I became engrossed in a world of my own design. Removing the free will option from the characters allowed me full control over every detail of their life.
Delving into another world, building it brick by brick and creating perfect families became my lifeline. My obsession helped to mold my expectations. Constant, missed expectations, led to further rigid isolation. Truth is, I was the villain from The Lego Movie (2014) long before its inception.
Often, I tell my daughter, being kind is one of the most beautiful things you can be in this world. People who truly know me don’t question my aptitude for delicate and compassionate moments. My nature allows for kindness without the compromise of weakness.
It is funny to think, that a person so obsessed with detail and order would choose a career in public safety. As a 911 dispatcher, my partners and I play a dangerous game of Russian Roulette with every call. Most situations, I am unable to bend to my will. Dispatching has allowed a humbling and sometimes infuriating view into human will. We must create and become the calm center during someone’s personal hurricane. I found a career where I must make efforts and coordinate elaborate plans, only to have it change in a instant. The illusion of control is something I believe I will cling upon for the entirety of my life.
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